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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Draw me near to you oh God, I'm lost

. . . . S T A T U S
Mood : la-la-la

LIST of incomplete things to do:

  • Thanks for the Memories written by Cecelia Ahern is not read finished yet. 
  • My diet plan is still dying to survive. 
  • My rationality warriors are fighting against the evil mood sways team. 
  • I hope that I can forget the fact that I can NEARLY go to UK when September is approaching. 
  • Mend back our cracked relationship.. =( 

I am:
  • NOT a good girlfriend who knows the do's and don'ts as a girlfriend.
  • NOT good in persevering my goal. 
  • NOT good in thinking things in the positive way. 
  • NOT good in expressing myself. 
  • NOT good in controlling my emotions. 
  • GOOD in cooking and self exploring the recipes. 
  • GOOD in talking craps.
  • GOOD in seeking for fun.

Sometimes, I really find the meaning of living getting vague as I live longer on this Earth. Ah- I make this sounds so passive. I'm not looking for suicide. It's just a feeling that arises within my deep soul that life is so just normal as it is and sometimes it loses its own definition. Or maybe, it doesn't even have one at the very beginning? I'm talking so philosophically. Ha-

I tend to feel angry whenever I am provoked. I lost God's grip and I'm walking by myself. I know I have been walking by myself in the dark for these past few weeks, or maybe months. I begin to feel the fear yet the evil side of me is convincing myself that everything's alright. I walked alone. Yes, I was walking alone, and I was counting on myself. I have committed many things that are detestable in God's eyes. I'm a sinner. Great sinner. Sometimes, I wonder how could God actually forgive a sinner like me- Repeating the same damn mistake over and over again. 

"I didn't want to but it is irresistible.." I'm sorry.

I wish that in my life, God could have sent an angel to me to tell me that it is not right to do such thing. God didn't do anything and He let me walked towards the dark path without pulling me back. I entered the dark hole. I was out once and I entered it once again for the second time. I felt guilty because I commit sin. It is a great sin. I couldn't forgive myself for a long time. I hate myself for doing such thing that is so detestable in everyone's eyes.

God has His plans, that I may not know. I hope that I can grab His hand and continue the journey of God once again. I am a big sinner, like any of the people outside. I encountered some incidents in my life that I wished they had never happen before. Too bad, I couldn't turn back time. The decisions were made and I solemnly regretted. Nothing could undo my decision.

I cried for forgiveness. I hoped that if any of you reading this is on the verge of committing something very sinful in God's eyes, please stop yourself from sinning further. God's wrath is visible in Bible. He will punish whoever that sins against His commandments. We, as Christians, God's lovable descendants, should not be doing something that we already know is wrong. I urge you people to stop whatever bad things you are doing or ought to do before it is too late.

Regrets are pointless. I hate myself and that makes my life hard. God is forgiving, He is a loving God but He is also a jealous God. God mentioned many times in the Bible, we MUST NOT trust other Gods besides Him for He is the one and only God of all men's creations. Jesus is the son of the virgin Mary and we must honour Him as the king of all kings. Amen. We must not take for granted God's forgiving heart to deliberately commit sin. Repent! Repent! Repent!

I don't know why I'm writing all these- I actually wanted to write about how pathetic my life is nowadays- I am living in grief, pain, sorrow and hatred. I am a person who has a bad childhood. I always wished that I could be as lucky as my brothers. They gain care and attention from my parents far more than me. I envied and was jealous over them. I planted hatred towards my parents for that. At here, I hope that all parents could pay a little effort to their children- Every child needs attention and equal care. Do not show favouritism because this will cause terrible tragic that you may never expected to happen. I lead a bad childhood because I am unable to release myself from the cage of jealousy. I felt jealous and was unwilling to move on. I am ambitious because I want to prove that I am different, I can do better.

Honestly, it is difficult to cool one's mind and soul even if you pray. I tried and often, I am defeated. My heart would then be hooked away by the devils. I am hopelessly weak against my faith in God. Perhaps, I should try harder and draw my heart closer to God.

I'd like to end this article with a prayer. If anyone of you is encountering the same problem as me, I would kindly welcome you to read along the prayer with me. May God hear our prayer..

Dear almighty God in Heaven, I come to you today because I know I am a sinner. The guilt in me is growing stronger and stronger each day, unknowingly. I know I am not an obedient follower. I go against Your laws and commandments. I knew it was wrong but I still chose to persist. I felt I was lost now. I couldn't feel peace no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down with whatever attractiveness in this world. I tend to feel meaningless. Oh God, I know all these are not the life You meant to give to me. You want me to be happy and cheerful. God, I am a sorrow person today because I chose to be like this. I let go Your hand and chose to walk alone. God, I am seeking for forgiveness, guidance and wisdom from You. I really hope that You will grab my hand and lead me out from the wilderness. God, I am ready to adhere to you now till forever. I admit that I am a sinner and I need forgiveness. My dear God, I end up my prayer with the name of Jesus Christ, Your son, Amen. 

The burdens can never be released unless you are honest to God. In this world, there is none like Him.  He is the one and only that could help you when you feel that no one can help you. God does wonders. Believe in Him and you will be saved!


Emmanuel! God is with you always!




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