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Friday, August 26, 2011
. . . S T A T U S
Mood : I feel so disturbed! 

Time is not enough and many things happen at the very wrong time! I don't understand why I only want to speak up at a certain time. You don't ask me that. I have no answer for it. I just don't feel like speaking when the time is over. It is just the same concept as an expiry date on a food can. Once the expiry date is over, the food can must be dumped into the bin, you can't consume the food in it anymore. It is just the same theory.

Sometimes, I feel unappreciated and confused. I tend to feel that whatever I do is approximately zero when seeing the feedback I receive. I am self-centered in certain situations. Everybody does (just be honest, alright! You DO, everyone DOES!).

I have many tiny problems disturbing me lately. Yet, I didn't voice out thoroughly or properly. Why? I just can't find the right time. Every time when I feel like speaking up, you want to sleep. When you want to talk, I am doing something else. There is no right time frame for us. Everything is messed up! Although we are living just a state apart, I feel that our time zone is like as though you are living in America and I in Malaysia. There is no right timing at all.

I do not know to voice my stuff any time I wish to. They have specific mood like every can has a specific expiry date. I feel disturbed yet I cannot speak it up when it is the right time. It is kept in my little heart and brain, growing bigger and bigger each day, just like a tumour. I feel like smashing it with a hammer because it is bothering my sleep every night! I feel very disturbed and frustrated!

Lately, I have not been smiling very often. Even if I do, the time is momentarily. I get temperamental easily. My mood swings fast. It becomes worse when I am facing some irritating students at my work place. Sigh. I tried to control my temper this round. I am getting better compared to previously. Yet, I am still far from optimum EQ level.

A big sigh for the night.
It's going to be a horrible night because I'm gonna bring a bitter gourd face to sleep.

I am not understanding because I couldn't share your tiredness and pain. 
I just care about my feelings. 
I wish there is somebody who can care about mine either. 
Is there any? 

This photo was taken on 20 August 2011. It was one day before my elder brother's departure to Australia. 

It was so long ago, I didn't recall myself standing so near to him. My relationship and my elder brother has never been good. We are never close to each other. That day, he stood so near to me, I felt a small blossom of happiness growing from the bottom of my heart. It felt so genuine and true. At that moment, I had all hatred disappeared momentarily. I felt thankful for having a brother. I do. Too bad, everything ended very swiftly. The moment the photography session ended, he treated me coldly again. We are back to square one. 

Anyway, I wish him all the best in Australia. Undeniable. I do envy him. Although he went there to work under a certain risk, I think it is a good experience which money can't buy. Take good care of yourself there, brother. 


Another thing which upset me lately is people's critique regarding my family photo. I wonder if I really look that fat in the photo. Nobody likes to hear negative comments. Neither I. I personally think I look OK in it. Anyway, shit off to those people who criticized me. I am just pretty the way I am. = ) Stay proud and happy Lydia! 


I've not been sleeping well lately because of these petty problems that keep bothering me. They are tiny problems but when they accumulate altogether, I am defeated. Sleepless nights with a tiring body the next day.. I never grumble. 


Bye readers. 


  1. No Lydia, you don't look fat in your family photo. You look great! 很有女人味. :)