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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My Frustration And Anger Towards My X R/M--- I Just Feel That An Explanation is Necessary

. . . . S T A T U S
Mood : Hmm.. 

It's been a busy day. I am kind of busy for this whole week. I did not have enough of sleep everyday because I need to do extra work that other people don't have to.. but, I'm happy about it.

The reason why I'm still spending time blogging here is because.. I feel like sharing some thoughts. Initially, I do not want to blog about this post but later I thought about it again, I feel that there is such necessity because I need to explain for myself. Nobody at this place is gonna do it for me if I don't fight for an equal judgment for myself. It has been an old issue but it so happened that I came to know about it today. Thus, I need to write about it.

Who Am I? 
You know what...? I am who I am. Many people don't really know me but they thought they do. Should I blame them for overgeneralizing me? Hmm..

I came across somebody's blog and accidentally knew something which initially upset me but later gave me a better understanding of the people around me. People said, I'm labelled as "bad attitude", "lousy attitude", "attitude problem".. Hmm.. Am I? Sorry, I don't think so I am. If you think I am, give it a second thought, who you are to judge me like this?

"Attitude Problem"
From my understanding, people with attitude problem are people who do the following things:

  • Tease/insult somebody in class without bothering how that person will feel. 
  • Intentionally do something that people obviously signal you that they DO NOT like it. 
  • Fake around in front of people and talk bad behind others. 
And guess what...? 

I don't think I have any of those listed above. Let's see the following points: 
  • Prefer to stay indoor rather than going around loitering. 
  • Smile lesser compared to some fakers who smile crazily often to everybody-- 
  • Do not communicate with the roommate because you want to reduce the tendency of conflict. 
Do you label those 3 above as people who have attitude problem? I will only say that, some people prefer to stay indoor because they have things to do. You can be an outgoing or somebody who simply like to stay indoor. There's nothing wrong about it. Can you call somebody a psycho just because he/she likes to stay indoor and you love going out wondering around...? Oh.. come on-- 

Generally, somebody commented that I have those 3 problems. Well, you know what...? You have your life and I have mine. Please don't try to think that what you think is right is gonna be exactly right on my life. Roommates should share equal respect among one another and I just cannot accept the way how people are trying to get what they think is true on my life. My life is too short to fulfill what you think is ideal (which I definitely don't agree). 

You love to go out, spending time with your boyfriend, doing anything you like outside there-- It's your freedom. I have no rights to say anything about it. Thus, I seriously don't agree with how you remark me as a psycho (h-e-l-looo~) just because I have things to do and you don't. 

I don't smile often doesn't mean that I don't smile as a sign of simple greeting to strangers. I do smile. It could be that I don't talk as often as some people do.. It could be that I appear not to be that amiable to most people but-but-but this doesn't mean that I'm some evil-woman---- You just can't label one person like this just because he/she doesn't like to socialize as much as you do. Agree? 

I choose not to communicate with this particular girl because I want to avoid to have any conflict with her before the semester ends. I tolerated some of her doings which I seriously cannot stand it. Yet, I choose not to voice out. It could be my fault for not being brave enough to voice out straight to her but-- I did give signal that I don't like it. Yet, she seems to ignore it and continue doing it again and again-- I can't explain why she does this. She knows why herself. The only thing that I can proclaim here is, I have been a very good roommate who is 
  • clean (hello-- I took care of the toilet's cleanliness for the whole semester because I personally can't stand dirty toilet [that's fine, I'm not asking anybody to praise me] I just want to say that if I can handle the toilet's cleanliness, what makes you think I'm dirty in the room?)
  • understanding (I get out of the room automatically when I need to stay awake at night while my roommate needs to sleep, I won't switch on the speaker when I see her sleeping and etc) 
  • forgiving (I think I am. Why? One fine day, she knocked off my water boiler without apologizing and this incident happened right in front of my eyes. She did not apologize and not to mention to help me to pick it up. And yes, I admit I was angry at that moment but later I forgave her)
  • patient (I know I'm not a very patient virtue person. I am a person who get angry quite easily but you know what? I feel that my tolerance level has risen to such a high level that I actually choose to ignore this person because I don't want to start any quarrel with her. It's not gonna be good for both. She simply loves to open the damn door when I'm sleeping, no matter nap or night. Do you like how people see the way you sleep? Do you feel that it is a good sight? Or, do you find yourself correct when you do this? Mark my words, she did this, countless times and each time when she did this, I was actually freaking angry. And yes, I chose to keep quiet. Sometimes, I showed some sour face, thinking that she might sense that I dislike it. Unfortunately, she chose to ignore it and continued doing it again and again, until I got so fed up in the end, I chose to bang the door whenever she did this. I said I'm patient because I tolerated her until almost the end of the semester.)
Hence, I would like to make a strong remark that she made about me: 
Not hygienic with food or something...? 

It's been a long time to think back the days when she was my roommate. I tried to think hard and the only thing I could think of is: bringing da pau food into the room to eat. Do you consider this as unhygienic? Tell you what-- Many people do this in the hostel. I'm not the only alien doing this. If you feel that I'm not hygienic, trust me, you wouldn't want to believe that she's worse because she eats bread on her bed. At the very least, I always sit on the chair and have my food placed on the table when I'm eating. Judge yourself then, who is the one less hygienic here.  

I got to know that I'm being labelled because some people just don't like the way how I'm being myself. I actually got over the case that people in IPDA dislike me. I don't bother, seriously. I don't care at all. Life goes on perfectly for me without having to fake myself around a bunch of people of whom I feel that they are terrible fakers. I just love the way my life is now. I feel peaceful and happy because I don't have to be "plastic" like some people do. I just find it difficult to treat people insincerely. Some people feel that it is a living skill but I just simply don't agree with them. I know I'm gaining a lot of haters because of this.. People start to label me as attitude problem woman and what not-- You just have to understand 1 thing: I live not because of you people. I am just who I am. People who truly know me will know who I am. For those who you think you are my classmates for several years and you know me well, you seriously have to reconsider this again because you are wrong. 

I don't care how IPDA and IPOH people dislike me. I just can't help it if people want to dislike me. How is it possible for me to ask everybody to like me? That's just life. What I feel a little pissed off is that there are some idiots who went around to spread stuff about me to UPSI students. Don't you people have better things to do? Is spreading rumours about somebody whom you don't really know that well is something appropriate to you? Are you well educated? Do you know it is wrong to do this? I doubt. I doubt. I really doubt how high is these idiots' intelligence level is. I think I know who they are but I don't want to assume and make false accusations on anybody. 

I just hope that these idiots will stop doing this because it is NOT RIGHT. You are a nobody to spoil another person's reputation when you don't even know that person well. The moment when you spread rumours about this particular person, have you ever have that thought in your head to think twice; if you were that person, what will you feel? Do you like it? Do you love the way people have false assumption and talk bad behind you? Do you enjoy this feeling? I don't see what benefit you get by intentionally spoiling someone's image. Does that make you feel more proud or honourable in some ways? Making the seniors and juniors know the presence of such woman in the KPM group who is known as the "problematic" one-- Is this something fun to do for you? Don't you have other gossip topics to talk about? 

Although there is not specific saying that these rumours are targeting me but well, it's kind of obvious because I'm not following the bandwagon. And I know the consequences for being stubborn and to be on my way. I just simply hope that people who manage to read this blog entry will know that, I'm making a remark here to oppose what these people say (if they are talking about me). If you believe what they say, I don't see what is different from you with them. 

Honestly, I prefer to befriend with those of different races with me. I simply have this feeling that I just can't clique well with these Chinese people at UPSI. Don't ask me why. Sometimes, there's nothing to explain why some people can't clique with some people. Perhaps, this applies on me. 

I feel that befriending with the different races somehow allow me to breathe out the feeling of being myself. I don't have to be a hypocrite like many people do. I can just be who I am. I hate to fake about who I am when I'm with the Chinese people-- It's not that I hate my own race. It's just the few particular people I don't like to mix with. Some incident happened in the past and it gave me a very deep impact on them. Sometimes, I just don't see the reasons why I need to forgive them.. Well, one day maybe I will put down the grudges but definitely not gonna be a recent thing. 

Lastly, I'd like to say that-- Thanks for reading my blog if you're one of those who hate me. I appreciate your time and curiosity. =) I hope that you enjoy what you read here because I'm throwing these words right in front of your face. I hope that these words hit you hard. 

I just want to be myself-- I can't and don't want to be a faker. I cannot allow myself to be a clown in the class just because I want to gain friends. I'd rather lose friends and be alone then. 

Different people opt for different things in life. When some people are not doing things according to your way, it doesn't mean that he/she is a maniac or weirdo. You just have to learn how to respect how everybody thinks differently for themselves. There's no good and bad. Labeling people is bad. Yet, I'm seeing this phenomenon almost everyday. People find it so common to label somebody. Sometimes, it becomes a joke that makes the whole class laugh, including the lecturer. How pathetic this is-- I can't imagine if I'm the joker being laughed. I'd certainly hate the person who made fun of me. 

My conclusion is, when you don't know somebody well, it's better not to give any remark about that person, especially about how that person thinks, likes and dislikes. Nobody knows themselves better than themselves. You are the same, and me too. Please don't create false stories about me. I am saying it out loud here - I don't like it. I hate it. Please stop it if you have a little intelligence remains in your head.  

The End. 


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